What defines me?

I sat down with a hot mug of coffee 45 minutes ago to write this post. Then the phone rang, and it rang again. Now the coffee's finished but the baby is still sleeping so here's to hoping he stays asleep long enough for me to finish what I have to share today ;-p.

I have always been overweight. As far back as I can remember, and as photos can testify, I have never been the pretty and slim kind of girl. I like food. No, scrap that, I LOVE food. I love cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. I love showing my love for others by cooking for them. It's a hobby, it's a love affair.

And so I have never dieted. Oh, my Mum - bless you Mummy! - tried to get me to diet and lose weight when I was young, but I just wasn't interested. I hated my body, often with a passion, but I loved food more. Food was also my comfort in a world where I often felt alone and lost. Yes, I turned to food to try and heal the pain inside. Guess what? It never really worked! All it did was make me feel guilty because yet again, I'd caved in.

In my twenties I came to accept myself as I was a lot more, and my body didn't bother me as much. It was kind of frustrating not being able to find lovely clothes that I looked lovely in easily though. When I met my husband he fell in love with me for my heart, and my eyes. He thought I was cute, which I believe I was, but that wasn't enough. I wanted to be beautiful. Don't you want to damn those ads and the image of perfect beauty the media throw at us day after day after day?

I grew up as a Christian. I am a Christian. I know that God loves me just the way that I am. God created me in His perfect image. And yet, I wasn't satisfied. I didn't love myself. Even being loved just as I was by my husband wasn't enough.

And then I had two kids and the scales went even higher. But I loved my pregnancy body and belly. I felt beautiful and proud to be carrying my precious babies. Those were probably the times in my life where I was most comfortable in my own body - when I was at my heaviest. Go figure!

And so I had to ask myself... what defines me? Is it the way I look? Obviously! But I believed I could never have a slim figure. I put barriers and stumbling blocks in my head and on my own path. It was as if even though I hated what I saw on the outside, that was who I was and who I felt comfortable being. I strongly believe that it is a lot easier to stay the same than to face change. But the easy path is not always the right path, is it?

After I had my second baby and was hit by PND once again, I just couldn't live with myself anymore. I wanted change, and I wanted to feel better. I started doing things and saying things to change the course of who I was. I chose to believe not only with my head, but also with my heart, that God truly loves me, that my husband really does like me the way that I am. I started saying no, and I decided I was going to ask for help when I needed it.

And one day, I decided to lose weight! Not because I wanted to conform to today's ideal of beauty, not because I wanted to be more beautiful for my husband, not for anyone. But because I wanted to. For me, for my health, and to prove to myself that I would not be a stumbling block for myself any longer. Our limits are the limits we give ourselves.

Last October, I started the Dukan Diet. I have lost 14kgs so far. And I feel great!

I'd love to hear from you if my post has talked to you in any way.

Have a great weekend!

Why oh why??

As a child, I think one of the most common thoughts to enter my head was "Dad, I need help". Fastforward. I got married. I had my first child. And suddenly my whole being was screaming "Mum, I need help!, I don't know how to do this Mummy thing, I don't understand this baby or what I'm supposed to do with it, what the f#@*& is all this breast milk spewing everywhere, and why can't I stop crying?" Well, those were just a few of the many questions racing through my head.

Three weeks after my first child was born, I was still crying. So my precious Mummy literally flew - from Switzerland to New Zealand - to my rescue. I can't begin to describe the feelings of relief as she arrived and took over the kitchen and the running of the house for most of the time she was here. But the most precious gift she gave me was to help me get organised before her departure. About a week before she left, she got me into weekly "meal planning". I have since become this super organized meal planner and shopping list maker. I have the weekly menu on the fridge (thank you to The Organized Housewife), and next to it a super cute magnetized shopping list (thank you Pheonix Trading!). As soon as something in the pantry or the fridge is running out, up it goes on the list.

I don't know about you, but one of the biggest stresses of running a household is "what's for dinner?", whether from your husband, your partner, your kids, your flatmates or yourself. Moreover I hate going grocery shopping with a passion. While it does usually mean a break from home and the kids, it gets my stress levels soaring and my feet just itch to run right out of the store. So now, I just have to go once a week, and I only need to worry about what to cook once a week too. Thank you Mummy!